I thought it was important for me to tell you all in more details why I decided to write this blog. I feel like it will give you more understanding about me, where I was in life when I started this blog and give you the intro to help you along this journey with me. So grab a cup of tea and pull up a seat. I got a good story for you!
In March 2017 I found out I was pregnant and my world completely changed. You’ll learn more details throughout this blog about my initial reaction to this but let’s continue for now. So there I was, with my boyfriend Pop world breaking news: We’re having a baby! Us! We!. Just like that we started this ride.
From March to November we went through many “Ups” like announcing our little boys gender to our parents and friends, to an awesome baby shower that was filled with love and lots of gifts to the three-day labor party to get to our little boy. We also had some “Downs” like arguing about little things to big things because our lives were changing right before our eyes, to the stress of trying to not be stressed throughout this process to having to wait an extra week and three days for our little boy to arrive.
I used to think the process I took to get my Masters degree was tough and let me tell you that was tough. But nothing compared to this process of pregnancy and then giving birth to a child. My Pastor warn me that I was going to be tested on this journey. And I sure was. I was tested. And my relationships were tested. I figured my life was going to change but I had no idea that my son would change my life in this way.
Pregnancy opened my eyes to so many things, such as my personal flaws. Everything I did during pregnancy made me reflect like, “Am I going to be a good mother ‘if I do?’, ‘if I say?’, ‘when I?’” My eyes were fixed on “How can I be a better person for myself in order to be a better person for my son.” Share on X I not only did this with myself but I did it with all my relationships. My eyes were fixed on everything good or bad that happened with the people in my life. I had no idea pregnancy was going to be so reflective for me.
Throughout all of this reflection, I held at my core one thing. I just wanted to do this right. This is the one thing in my life that I’ve ever wanted to do right. I just wanted to be a good Mom to my son.
I thought I was a decent person. I respect, love and take care of my Mother and Brother. I deeply love Pop. I was a caring and loyal friend. Aside from the normal bad traits everyone gets their fair share of, I thought I was a cool person. But would I be a good Mom? I had prayed I would be.
Pregnancy opened my eyes to how my relationship with Pop was changing, and why it needed to change. Our relationship was evolving. This means we would need to evolve with it and it was important to do this together. I had in my mind for so long that we as a couple needed to evolve and growth so we could be better partners for each other. But this little boy needed more than that, he needed partners that would be evolving and growing parents. No matter how much information and advice people give you, this is something you have to recognize for yourself. Advice is nice, but we were walking in our own shoes, living the day-to-day. Again, I had no idea how much our relationship would be measured and tested. And it hasn’t stopped either.
My relationship with my Mother, (OMG) this experience really put a strain on this one. My Mother and I are such similar people its crazy. Sometimes when I argue with her, I feel like I’m talking to myself but yet I can’t stop the train. We had some of our own highs and lows throughout my pregnancy. But this experience wouldn’t be the same without her guidance and love. You all don’t know my Mother but I’ve called her the “baby thief” long before my own child came into the picture. I call her this because she’s got a baby magnet. She loves babies and takes care of them like their her own children. She knows all the tricks and tips on what to do for every situation. My Mom only has two kids of her own but raised many more. I had no worries when it came to knowing that my Mother would do nothing but absolutely love, protect and care for her first grandson. But our relationship was also tested.
My friends throughout this process have been awesome. They’re caring, supportive, loving and the best things since slice bread. One of my friends already had a kid two years prior so she gave me nothing but good advice and support. Another friend wasn’t ready for kids yet but lives vicariously through me and my son. She showers him with love and sneakers. My other friend supported me, squeezed my hand and gave my son weird names from when he was in my belly. I already knew I had great friends but pregnancy brought on more love, and more support. I couldn’t thank them enough.
My relationship with God was also affected. When I first found out I was pregnant I was flushed with many emotions. One being how was I going to do this? I think many woman feel the same way in that stage. I was so used to being Kiki all my life, I had no idea what life with another human that you can’t just run away from, would be like. Thankfully I had the best and biggest supporter on my team, God. My Pastor gave me a message after church one day. She told me, God told her to tell me “He is going to carry me through all of this.” I started to cry. I hadn’t told my Pastor that I was pregnant yet but God knew and told her exactly what I needed to hear. My Pastor asked me “Has God ever forsaking me or not kept a promise he made to me?” I answered her honestly and truthfully, “No”. She told me “He isn’t going to forsake you or lie to you now.” Although all my fears didn’t just leave me at that moment. A level of loved peace came over me. I was still fearful of actually living through what was to come but I was not worried that it would be anything bad. I knew God had forgiven me of my sins and had my back. Later on in my pregnancy, my Pastor had told me that now as a parent I had a job to take care and protect my son. This also changed my perspective of everything.
When I entered the hospital to give birth to my son, I was not only excited but I felt scared but supported. I walked in with my Mom and Pop. The best defense team in the world. We had prayed and stepped into what would be the process of my labor and delivery. Again this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Once my son finally came two days later, I was slammed with this feeling that I don’t exactly know if I have the right words to describe it. (But here’s what I got.) I was relieved, scared and excited all at the same time. When I got to hold him for the first time, I just felt this indescribable love. As each day continue with him being in this world, I just continue to grow this love. This heavenly unconditional love that I’ve never felt for anyone else ever. I am in love with every inch of him. I love him from his smile to his elbows to his little toes to the hairs in his eyebrows. My son is my world. This beautiful love I’ve experience is amazing and I am so grateful everyday that God has brought him in to me.
Then I had a thought, I need to write this all down. One day it was like a burst of energy hit me. I didn’t want to write this down. I needed to write this down. It was everything from my experience giving birth to the crazy things people say to me while pregnant. I just needed to get these thoughts out of me. So I thought I would start a blog in hopes that my thoughts and experiences would reach other moms or couples or soon to be moms or anyone thinking about having kids or hey someone who might just like what I have to share. Trust me, I wish I thought about this when I first got pregnant. I’ve just went through so much in the last year, but I’m going to try to go back and bring you all forward with me, from pregnancy to mommy-hood.
Through this blog, From Kiki with Love I am not only sharing my world with you all but I’m also getting so much more out of this. I am learning how to:
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- increase my faith and my walk with God
- be a GREAT Mom to my beautiful son, Pudding
- be a better girlfriend and partner in crime
- be a better daughter
- be a better friend
- to love myself more
- to live
- and live free of stress and filled with love
Whoosh! I know that was a lot but I am truly grateful that you took the time to sit down and scratch a little deeper than the surface about me. I really do hope that through “From Kiki with Love” you get more than just advice and good reads. I pray that you get nothing but love and a good friend in me! Enjoy.
Love, Kiki
